I don't recognize myself.

I'm not vain. I can hope, at least.

Before I ask why then I'm posting all these pictures if I'm not vain, let me explain.

I'm looking through these pictures, and I don't recognize myself. That's not really my nose, those bags under my eyes are not that dark, are they? my skin isn't usually that clear (Thanks, Proactiv!), are those wrinkles always there? Are my eyeballs getting bigger?

I'm thinking about the trauma to my psyche the process of updating my photo causes and am reminded that I've spent well over 10 years avoiding mirrors and photographs. The last image of myself that was really carved into my memory is of a much younger version. I'm dismayed when I look through these photos. It is difficult to find a photo that matches what I think/remember of myself.

Does everyone feel this way? As our bodies age, do our minds not? I certainly think my mind is not the same "age" as when I was a kid, but in a lot of ways, it does still feel like my 20-something mind. Does this change? Certainly our shells do. And I'm thinking of crawling back in mine and hiding some more.

My Partridge in a pear tree

New Phase

We've decided to give WAVA a try with Joel. He seems excited about it. It's been a couple of years of him not loving school and having a tough time keeping his hands to himself in class and driving his teachers nuts and riding the bus a couple of hours each day. I feel like we gave the traditional school a fair chance. The prospects of it getting better with time seem remote as class sizes are predicted to rise next year and more budget cuts are expected. So, I think I'm ready to try something else.

I'm nervously excited. It'll be a big adjustment for me to be "home-schooling" him. I love having large chunks of time to myself during the week, so we'll see how I handle the new schedule as soon as things rolling. A "pro" is that the K12 curriculum is already provided along with all the supplies, so that makes things much easier for me, I think/hope. Another "pro" is that WAVA is a public school, so we don't have to pay for anything. Some kinks to work out that I'm expecting is figuring out how to share my computer with Joel for a large portion of the day, keeping track of hours he spends on each of his courses, and making sure he doesn't burn out and lose his enthusiasm/motivation.

Stay tuned and wish us all luck.

A lesson on prayer

Tonight Joel said that he had given up on praying to God because he never heard any answers from Him before. Trying to hold back my maternal hackles of alarm, I decided to tell him some stories about when I had heard answers to my prayers. Afterwards, he said, "so I just need to give Him more time! Usually I just give Him like 30 seconds."

So about 10 minutes after he goes to bed, he comes downstairs and says, "I got an answer!!"

I said, "to what?"

"I asked Heavenly Father what he wanted me to do as I start my journey on this earth and then He said, 'Help people'. I know exactly what to do! Like at recess, when someone falls, I can help them up."

I wish I could frame forever the smile that was on his face as he looked ahead and envisioned himself helping people. I melted.

Release

Three years ago, I was asked to serve as our ward Relief Society President. Looking back on how I felt before the call, I'm actually surprised that many of my feelings and questions are the same now as they were then. I would expect to have grown up a little since then. It's as if three years of heightened blessings, growth, and protection were inserted into a flat line that is my life. The date-stamp on that post is difficult for me to reconcile.

Today I was released. And tonight I can't sleep. Our bishop was released a few months ago. I wonder if he had a similar night like this.

For the record: RSP was never a burden to me that I didn't want to bear. I have prayed to Heavenly Father to relieve me of many burdens, but never once did this one become too painful to bear, that I would ask Him to relieve me of it. Whenever I was working on Relief Society tasks, I felt close to Heavenly Father, and I felt His love for His daughters. I could feel Him near me, watching me, guiding me, making sure that I did what He wanted. That was what I have always wanted above anything else for as long as I can remember. People may say that I can still have that feeling in whatever capacity that I serve. But the calling of RSP carries with it a special blessing that I can't fully describe. It was a unique feeling that I will hopefully always remember, but I won't really have in any other calling that I can think of (for women). I will try to always remember it, but I already miss it.

A lesson on Faith

I have almost always been very close to my mom. There was a brief (it seemed to me) period when I was about 13 when I didn't really want to be friends with her. I have no idea how I got over that, but I know it didn't last long. It probably had something to do with her being away from home a lot for work and my having to be more independent instead of dealing with a mom all up in my business every day and wishing for more independence. Whatever the reason, I'm glad for it.

My mom and I could always talk. I never felt that she wasn't interested in what was going on in my life. She would ask me about what I thought about people and things, and I would ask her about what she did when she was younger. We had many of our long talks in her room on her bed with a warm lamp on next to the bed. She would be reading a book and I'd come in and just interrupt her reading to talk. Many times, I'd be sharing something in my head that I was learning, and she'd remark at how backwards it seemed (and probably felt) to learn spiritual lessons from her daughter. She was strengthening my spiritual self-esteem, probably intentionally, and I'm glad she was good at that, too.

After Joel went to bed tonight, I settled down on the couch to munch a granola bar and catch up on news and messages that I had missed throughout the day. Halfway through my granola bar he came back down complaining that his stomach was growling. He had barely eaten his dinner, so the problem was obvious. I said he could go eat a pear, if he wanted. So he sliced one up the way he liked it and walked into the living room with it to join me.

In our house, we always insist that the boys eat at the table. I don't like to find surprise foods wedged down in my couch or sticky handprints in strange places. I expect to have to wipe down the table pretty often, but I don't like the idea of having to wipe down every other surface in the house just as often.

So I told Joel to go eat his pear at the table. He turned to go, then turned back around and said, "why do I have to eat at the table when you don't?"

Fair enough question. "Because I don't forget that my hands are sticky and get them all over the couch or places around the house." Reasonable parental answer.

That's when he launched into an analogy lesson on faith: When we have faith in Heavenly Father to do something that we need or want Him to do, He does it. When we have faith in people to do something that we need or want them to do, they do it. Good results always follow faith. So, I should have faith that he knows to not get sticky hands all over the couch and remember to wash up and all the things that we have taught him. Did I mention that he's 7?

I said the only thing appropriate for me to say, and what my mother taught me long ago about instilling spiritual self-confidence in our children, "Joel, you're absolutely right. Eat your pear in here, if you like."

I'm documenting this story because I want to remember the first time that my first-born taught me a gospel principle in his own words and way. I was pretty stunned that he could draw an analogy so readily and at his boldness at teaching me a lesson that I needed to learn. And I want to remember how important it is for me to have faith in his ability to learn what is right and act upon it.

My mother probably felt this same awkward jolt in the universe. I'm sure I will feel it many more times. I can't help but smile inwardly. I'm happy to learn from my little one, because it means that he's going to be a strong and mighty force for good, he has a spiritual strength that will protect him as he grows more independent, and that I am actually helping him build the strength that I have prayed for him to have. And, I'm connecting with my mom, from thousands of miles away, both as I pass on the gifts she gave me and as I experience her emotions that she felt when her kids were young. And that smile opens the floodgates for the tears to flow.

The basics

Things that I take for granted, but which make life thousands of times easier:

Modern appliances

Healthcare

Peaceful Society

Fresh Water

Education

Human Rights

Food

Heat

Shelter

Religion

As I look through that list and imagine life without simply one of these, I get fearful. I don't know if I have what it takes to endure a life without any one of them much less several of them. Thus far I have not been tested, and I think that is a blessing. For all of those who have, it is my duty to be compassionate.

Maybe I haven't been tested because God knows I'm not strong enough.

Hit the Road, Jack!

Goodbye 8 yr old child,

Goodbye 5000 BTU air conditioner,

Goodbye small bale of hay,

Goodbye 3 1/2 dozen eggs,

Goodbye 10 chihuahas,

Goodbye 2 1/2 automobile tires,

Goodbye 1 1/2 mid-sized microwaves,

and anything else in the neighborhood of 55 pounds.

And don't you come back no more, no more, no more no more!

Summer plans

Even though we're only three weeks into summer, we might have a hard time finding a way to get to everything we have planned to do. But at least it'll be fun trying.

Last week we went to Ocean Shores to feel the soft Pacific sand in our toes. It was great. I have no pictures to show for it, sadly. Our camera was not invited. The highlights included a wonderful playground, Joel and I battling each other at air hockey, swimming in the heated outdoor pool in the cold rain, barefoot

runs on the beach, hermit crabs, engineering irrigation systems, dune climbing, restaurants, sunsets, card games, and deer sightings.

After playing the 4th of July fireworks show in the cold and rain, we jumped right into Art Camp for Joel. His teacher was complimentary of his dedication and attention to detail. He got to do some techniques I hadn't a clue about, and we have some lovely artwork to share. His daily complaints to us that camp was too long (3 hrs) and that he didn't want to go back fell on deaf ears. He secretly enjoyed it. And it seems he is a natural artist:

Clockwise from top left: handmade paper (using two-batches in landscape, and abstract with

one batch), oil painting quail on canvas, painted and glazed ceramic tile, oil painted water lilies a la Monet, charcoal drawing of a stuffed toy, and clear glue with chalk on black paper (no idea if that has a better name to it).

We also started swim lessons and violin lessons this week. Joel got a new violin and Jamie got the old one.

We spent lots of time in the sun at the water park. I took Joel on his first grown-up roller coaster rides and water slides, and now he's hooked (as am I)!

Upcoming plans include camping trips, painting clouds in the kids' room, sports camp, a week on Vashon Island with the grandparents and camp, a beach trip to Oregon, 11 days in Georgia. We've begun homeschooling, although it's been rough and intermittent. Our gorgeous garden is growing carrots, peas, potatoes, and tomatoes. And the kids are past the halfway point on their potentially underachieving summer reading goals. So, stay tuned, and I'll try to bring along the camera.

Brothers or Friends?

At the end of summer last year, I remember thinking that we had been having such a fun time together that I wasn't sure if I was ready for it to be over when the boys had to start school again.

Why is it now that I'm almost desperately looking for ways to fill our summer calendar in a panic at the prospect of having two boys who seem to vie for my favor and attention in hardly appreciated ways whenever they are together? I know I'm not alone. I'm looking through the community catalog at those week-long camps that last for solid chunks of time that scream "Errands!", "Pedicure!", "Naptime!", "Workouts at the Gym!" and any number of indulgences that I'm worried about imminently giving up when school's out. Many of them are already full. And I can't help but wish I could meet the mothers who signed their kids up for those camps and give them all a sympathetic hug.

Well, I better wind up the blogging... clock's a tickin'...

Pray for sun, so that we can take all of our big personalities outdoors.

Pray for rain, so that we don't have to pay to water our garden.

Pray for clouds, so that I can finally finish painting the boys' room.

Pray for bugs, so that the boys will have something to catch and entertain them.

And anything else that comes to mind!

We got to have a Party!

Jamie was very decisive about what kind of party he wanted. He wanted to bounce and slide like a king for 2 exhaustive hours, eat cake on his throne, and then be showered with presents from his favorite people. It was a blast!

And we're pretty sure everyone had a great time!

We even managed to photograph his big brother having fun, too, though he worked pretty hard at convincing us to the contrary.

Three cheers for good friends and silly faces!

Finally Five!

For five years of laughter, tickles, snuggles, nonsense, and pure sunshine, I love you, little one!

These are supposed to be sunny cupcakes for Jamie's preschool class. I confess that cake decorating is usually a fun and creative process, even when it means copying someone else's ideas. I can't think of a novel, visual craft of my own, but there really are so many great ideas out there to keep me happily entertained for ages and, not the least, a hero in my kids' eyes. Does that end when they become teenagers?

May I suggest the best birthday present ever? (Thank you, Mimi!)

Kids Day

So, Joel was looking at the calendar and getting upset today. He complained that there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but no Kid's Day. "It's not fair." And then came the tears.

And my response?

"Every day is Kid's Day. Mothers and Fathers have a special day because kids don't thank their mothers and fathers every day for their hard work."

But neither do I thank the kids every day for their hard work. This has gotten me to thinking. I'm too tired, though, to think for long.

Day of thanks.

fragrant lilies.

moments of quiet and peace in my day.

washing machine, dryer, and dishwasher.

happy children and spouse.

the Atonement.

electric blanket.

a mother and father who loved me.

jobs.

my testimony.

libraries.

Grow, babies! Grow!

Last year we had the most amazing crop of little cherry tomatoes. This year, I'm giving it another go. Only about half of the seeds germinated. I'm not sure if I should cover my bases and germinate another round of seeds, yet. That's a lot of faith and hope to put in a couple of dozen tiny plants, isn't it?

Hamantaschen

I'd never heard of Hamantaschen before. Do traditions usually have to stem from strange ideas of eating cookies that look like an evil villain's pockets in order to last thousands of years?

Perhaps it has more to do with an excuse for delicious, buttery cookies with honey fig fillings, in which case, folks should be celebrating Purim more often than once a year. I googled Purim to find out when it will be. Alas, we just missed it and will have to wait another year.

But I did run across an interesting fact about Esther. She didn't reveal to anyone near the king that she was jewish. Since kosher foods weren't available to her in the palace, she primarily ate nuts and seeds there. I was glad to hear that at least the fillings for Hamantaschen had something to do with the good Esther rather than only the vile Haman.

Now, what was that scripture about if the fruit of the tree is good....?? Yum.

Friendly Lions

Want to guess what tonight's Family Home Evening lesson is about?

To Moms (an dads) of girls:

Please let your daughters be friends with my sons. They don't want to kiss them any more than they want to kiss the other little boys on the playground. They just envy the friendships that girls are seen having with each other and want to have fun and play, too.

Please teach your daughters to like boys. This is not the time to talk about "my body is my own." Two unrelated lessons!!

I'm heartbroken by my sons simply wanting to play with a girl only to hear that she runs away from him or thinks he's chasing after her all the time to do something weird to her. Teaching girls that boys only want to kiss or that boys are made of snakes and snails or that boys are nothing but trouble is going to backfire on us later, because it's not right! Is it a parenting cop-out to help teen girls to appreciate abstinence? Aren't there better ways parents can get that message across than depriving girls (not even teenaged) of years of an entire gender of meaningful friends?

I'm doing double duty to instill a sense of self worth into them that will help them succeed in the world. I don't need grownups making life harder for them.

Extended Family

So, last night's FHE went OK.

It might have started off bumpy. The kids were a bit grumpy and uncooperative going into dinner, so I was considering aborting the whole thing. They really wanted FHE, so they got themselves into a better mood, and I willingly decided to give it a try.

I was looking forward to doing a project together that didn't involve foam cutout monkeys or hot glueing teepees together. I had found a little pack of papers and stickers that all matched at the craft store that were already close to the size I'd need for the photo book, and that got me excited, too. (It's the little things!)

So, don't rush over to my house to see our end result. I made some pictures of it for you:

It's interesting to note that Harlan has a gift for scrapbooking. He did Keni's page, which is the best one (it's hard to tell from this picture), imho.

There were a few disappointing parenting moments when someone randomly stuck stickers on pages that didn't make any sense, and I told them to stop. I'm sure that they felt they couldn't please me and I engrained that into their little psyches forever. And the boys kept pushing the photos into the carpet with their little knees and elbows and got scolded for wrinkling up the photos. So, it was a bit tense going.

But it's done and Joel seemed really proud of it. And I won't have to do another one anytime soon.

I'll be too busy repairing everyone's self-esteem.

My problem with craft stores...

For me, going to the craft store (I won't name names) is a nightmare. I finally realized why tonight. It's all about choices. There are too many. Whenever I think of how great it would be if I would just do scrapbooks and be creative and make memory books of all the great times we're having as a family while the kids are young and would benefit from knowing how special they are and memorable our times together are, I go to the craft store to pick up a few pretty papers to glue all my photos onto. My intentions are right. My desire is genuine. But as soon as I walk in the doors of the store, I'm flooded with anxiety. Why do I have to feel like I'm going to need to buy this:

in order to get a simple little project done? (feel free to buy this off of eBay for $450!)

Have you seen how many aisles are dedicated to scrapbooking supplies? I'm remembering at least 6, not counting the little islands in the middle of the big aisles and the sale aisles at various strategic points throughout the rest of the store with stamps and papers and stickers and machine cutting things....

It's completely overwhelming. I feel like my little project is going to cost too much, make too much of a mess, take too long, and won't look right anyway, because I didn't buy the right colors or the right doo-dahs.

Bah Humbug!

A Year of Family Home Evenings

My friend Shay gave me the idea to follow this blog this year as a resource for our Family Home Evenings. One might be inclined to call this my New Year's resolution to get through it. I've already missed one week because I was too tired from horn playing... go figure. But I'm not ready to give up, yet.

Thus far we've done the first and third weeks (I didn't get all the pictures rounded up in time to do the 2nd week in order), and I'm really looking forward to tonight's activity of making a little family photo book. I love how organized the lessons are. I even got the assignment chart laminated with our photos. It's very pretty.

Her downloads are just crafty enough for me to like but not be too involved for me to handle. I'll post pictures of our photo book, perhaps, if it turns out nicely.

Christmas 2009

Christmas this year was not marred by ungrateful kids or sneaking downstairs in the night to snatch a brother's gifts. It was the year of fear.

As Joel said Christmas eve as he was going to bed, "I'm afraid Santa's going to bring me coal, and I don't really like coal. Because I've been pretty bad this year."

Even Jamie wasn't sure what Joel would be getting for Christmas:

But Santa really loves to give gifts much more than coal. Although he learned last year to make sure they're wrapped!

Even so, before Jamie was awake, Joel announced that one of the gifts in his stocking sounded like coal. He opened it first to find a lego jet. What a relief and joy that good gifts were to come!

Two very different guys. This one likes to unwrap everything as quickly as possible and plays once all his presents are opened.

While the other child opens one gift completely, figures out how to put it together and plays with it before he opens another one. (Note: it is still dark outside.)

And when it's all over (Joel did get around to opening that last gift), and no one's looking, the beagle gets her turn at the candy.

Merry Christmas to all!